Who's the Quick

A skit filked by Staccatto Toccata.

Composer's Note

This is a filk of Abbot and Costello's "Who's on First." The idea to parody this sketch was originally Tim Tim's, but I was the one who wrote the script as it is shown here. It is still a work in progress and we are in the process of revision, but I am liking how it is shaping up.

I broke the sketch up into a few thematic parts to make it easier to memorize. There should be a brief pause (just a beat) between each of the parts.

Thank you for reading!

Setting

A dogskull sits on a single post on the stage. The Bard and Jugger enter, holding the equipment of heavy and slash, respectively.

Sketch

Part One

Bard: Well **Jugger**, I’d be happy to join that team you’re putting together. Turns out the Alliance boys even had an alternate.

Jugger: Look **Bard**, you know jugging is all about teamwork, so you’ve got to know the guys.

Bard: Right, that’s true. So, you’ll have to tell me their names and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.

Jugger: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know the names they give juggers these days. Very peculiar names.

Bard: Like funny names?

Jugger: Strange names. Pet names. Like, Michael Hammer of God and…

Bard: His brother Mookie?

Jugger: Mookie, Hammer of God.

Bard: And their French Cousin.

Jugger: French?

Bard: Michelle, ‘ammer d’Gott.

Jugger: Oh, I see! ‘ammer d’Gott. Well, let’s see… we have Who’s the quick, What’s the drive and I Don’t Know the chain.

Bard: That’s what I want to find out.

Jugger: And I’m saying: Who’s the quick, What’s the drive and I Don’t Know the chain.

Bard: Are you putting together the team?

Jugger: Yes.

Bard: And you’re going to be the slash?

Jugger: Yes.

Bard: And you don’t know the guys’ names?

Jugger: Well, I should.

Bard: Then who’s the quick?

Jugger: Yes.

Bard: I mean the guy’s name.

Jugger: Who.

Bard: The quick.

Jugger: Who.

Bard: The one with the dagger.

Jugger: Who!

Bard: The guy who touches the dogskull.

Jugger: Who is the quick!

Bard: Why are you asking me? I’m asking you who’s the quick!

Jugger: That’s the man’s name.

Bard: That’s whose name?

Jugger: Yeah.

Bard: Well, go ahead and tell me.

Jugger: That’s it.

Bard: That’s who?

Jugger: Yeah!

(Pause for a beat)

Bard: Look, you got a quick?

Jugger: Certainly.

Bard: Who’s playing quick?

Jugger: That’s right.

Bard: Okay, when you go out drinking with the guys after the game, who takes the quick’s shot.

Jugger: Every drop of it.

Bard: All I’m trying to find out is the quick’s name.

Jugger: Who.

Bard: The guy that takes the quick’s shot.

Jugger: That it.

Bard: Who gets the quick’s shot?

Jugger: He does! Every drop! Sometimes his wench swings by to pour it.

Bard: Whose wench?

Jugger: Yes! *pause* What’s wrong with that?

Bard: Look, when you’re making belt favors and he’s appliquéing his name onto the bottom, what does he sew on the favor?

Jugger: Who.

Bard: The quick.

Jugger: Who.

Bard: The one with the dagger!

Jugger: Who.

Bard: The one who takes the dogskull, puts it on the post and gets us the points!

Jugger: That’s what he sews!

Bard: Who?

Jugger: Yes.

Part Two

Bard: *Sigh* Okay, what’s the name of the quick?

Jugger: No no no, What’s the drive.

Bard: I’m not asking you whose the drive.

Jugger: Who’s the quick.

Bard: I don’t know!

Jugger: Oh he’s the chain. We’re not talking about him. Now, let’s get back to the quick.

Bard: How did I get on the chain?

Jugger: Well, you mentioned his name.

Bard: If I mentioned the chain’s name, who did I say is the chain?

Jugger: No, Who’s playing quick.

Bard: What’s the quick?

Jugger: What’s the drive.

Bard: I don’t know.

Jugger: He’s the chain.

Bard: There I go, back to the chain again. Will you stay on the chain and don’t get off it?

Jugger: Alright! What do you want to know?

Bard: Now, who is the chain?

Jugger: Why do you insist on putting Who as chain?

Bard: What am I putting as chain?

Jugger: No, What is the drive.

Bard: You don’t want who as drive?

Jugger: No, Who is the quick.

Bard: I don’t know!

Both: Oh, chain.

(Pause for a beat)

Bard: Look look look, you got a stone counter?

Jugger: Sure.

Bard: The counter’s name?

Jugger: Tomorrow.

Bard: You don’t want to tell me today?

Jugger: I’m telling you then.

Bard: Well, go ahead.

Jugger: Tomorrow.

Bard: Fine, what time?

Jugger: What time what?

Bard: At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me who is stone counter?

Jugger: Now listen, Who is not counting stones. Who is the…

Bard: I’ll break your arm if you say “who’s the quick!” I want to know, what’s the stone counter’s name?

Jugger: What’s the drive!

Bard: I don’t know!

Both: Oh chain.

Part Three

Bard: Okay okay, you got a reeve?

Jugger: Certainly.

Bard: The reeve’s name.

Jugger: Today.

Bard: Today the reeve and tomorrow the stone counter?

Jugger: Now you’ve got it.

Bard: Listen, we’ve only got a few days as a team! Fine, you know, I play a little drive myself.

Jugger: So they tell me.

Bard: So I get to behind the starting circle, do some fancy footwork. I’ve downed their drive their heavy is coming up the middle.

Jugger: Yes.

Bard: Now, me being a good drive, I want to secure the dog skull. So I cross the center line to meet their heavy and behind me the skull is picked up by who?

Jugger: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.

Bard: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!

Jugger: Well, that’s all you have to do!

Bard: Protect the quick as he gets the skull?

Jugger: Yes.

Bard: Now who’s got it?

Jugger: Naturally.

(Pause for a beat)

Bard: Look, if I’m protecting the dog skull, somebody’s got to pick it up. Now who has it?

Jugger: Naturally.

Bard: Who?

Jugger: Naturally.

Bard: Naturally?

Jugger: Naturally.

Bard: So I cover the dog skull and it gets picked up by Naturally?

Jugger: No, you don’t! The skull gets picked up by Who.

Bard: Naturally.

Jugger: That’s different.

Bard: That’s what I said.

Jugger: You’re not saying that.

Bard: The skull gets picked up by Naturally.

Jugger: Gets picked up by Who.

Bard: Naturally.

Jugger: That’s it.

Bard: That’s what I said!

Jugger: Listen, you ask me.

Bard: The skull gets picked up by who?

Jugger: Naturally.

Bard: Now you ask me.

Jugger: The skull gets picked up by Who?

Bard: Naturally.

Jugger: That’s it.

Bard: Same as you!

Jugger: You just changed them around.

Bard: Same as you! The skull gets picked up by who. Whoever drops the skull, gets chased off by their heavy. What comes up as drive and runs the pole. Who picks up the skull and slips behind I don’t know. I don’t know what closes in with who, and bam, we get a point.

Jugger: Yeah, pretty much.

Bard: We get back up, but tomorrow has a hundred stones and we stop. Why? I don’t know, he’s the chain, and I don’t give a damn.

Jugger: Oh, what?

Bard: I said “I. Don’t. Give. A. Damn.”

Jugger: Oh, that’s our alternate.