Amtgard Undercover's expose of the RAN

by the Purple Duck:

The following feature is a work of fiction, the names have been changed to protect the populace and to annoy those involved. Any resemblance to actual events is unfortunate.

TONIGHT ON AMTGARD UNDERCOVER

(opening credits: made up primarily of go-go dancers dressed in Amtgard garbinterspersed with less tasteful shots)

Tonight: The RAN: Do They Exist and Does Anyone Care?

fade in (cue: Lights rise on set)

Amtgard Undercover(AC): Good Evening and welcome to Amtgard Undercover. Tonight a expose on one of the least understood groups in Amtgard history the so-called Royal Amtgardian Navy, The RAN if you will. We have joining us tonight a panel of experts who claim to have actually seen the RAN in action Let me introduce tonight's guests.

(camera zooms on each guest) Duke Ifar, Important Guy and Inventor of the Phrase "No Really Honey, We Just Talked All Night"

don Trendo, Former RAN Member now in the Royal Witness Protection Program

Sir Dracul....um, I mean ...Noman, Admiral of the Spinoff WRAAN(We Really Are A Navy)

Roger Leafyphallus, Portmaster of the Burning Lands

and

Zooo-ie, Vampire and Exile in the Kingdom of Drag-and-Spin

Welcome to the show ladies and gentlemen.

Entire Panel(EP): Thanks, Bob.

(Zoo-ie): Bob, please I prefer to be referred to as a life-challenged, blood dependent survivor of lifeocentric Burning Lands oppression

(AC): Uh, right, got it ... um .. lets get started shall we.

(don Trendo): (quietly) bloodsucking, parasitical leech

(AC): Sorry don Trendo, I didn't quite hear that.

(don Trendo): I said I am so happy to be able sit down next to one of my old enemies, a vampire, in peace and comfort...

(AC): That's very nice to hear ...

(don Trendo): ... especially in chairs with nice solid wooden legs.

( donTrendo begins )

(AC): Roger, you've been fairly quiet for a man who's name is synonymous for sex. Do you have anything to add to this discussion.

(Roger Leafyphallus): Actually yes I do, as the portmaster and chancellor on the far eastern non-contiguous edge of the Burning Lands in the Baronial Unit of Golden Waters I think an historical example would be helpful. Since the dawn of time men have gone down to the sea in ships ....

(5 minutes of material edited out for sake of brevity)

.... which is of course why the Russian Czars were so eager to find warm water ports. Of course that brings up the whole question of the Thracian pirates whom Julius Caesar suppressed in ...

(15 additional minutes of material edited out for program format reasons)

... which is of course why the kimono is folded left to right in those instances.

(a long pause ensues)

(AC): ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!

(Amtgard Undercover Director): Quick cut to the taped man on the field interviews and somebody wake Bob.

(The screen flashes to on-the-field interviews)

(donAdmiral Amsund): RAN? It doesn't exist. I never heard of it, I didn't do it... It was Airymithris I'm sure, wait there he is now.

(Amsund ducks below the camera shot and stands back up moments later wearing a hopelessly ill-fitting fake wig and beard)

(doAdmiral Amsund): BWWWWWAAA, I am the Wu, I did it, I formed the RAS, Royal Amtgard Seltics, cus I'm Irish.

(Camera mercifully switches to the next interview)

(donAdmiral Dink): Why did I help the RAN eradicate the vampires, well, If they hadn't of done, what I told them not to do, they'd still be alive. Do I hear a little dog barking? (Dink reaches out and slaps the camera man in the side of the head)

(Camera switches back to the studio, the panelists and hosts have been awakened)

(AC): Dracu .... sorry, Noman, what do you think?

(Noman): The RAN couldn't possibly exist, the one true navy of Amtgard is the WRAAN. We have an ocean, sailors, tight bodied young cabin boys. We even have boats.

(donTrendo): (Loudly) Boats, BOATS, that's great if ya need a Crutch to be a NAVY!!!!!!

(AC): ummm

(donTrendo): oooppppssss sorrrrry, I'm feeling much better now.

(Noman): And besides we're dead, not undead! Oh wait, sorry, wrong argument.

(AC): Duke Ifar what do you thin...Duke Ifar? Wait a minute where did the cue card girl go.

(Ifar): (from off camera somewhere) I'm coming.

(AC): Well when you get done , could you answer a few questions about how the RAN convinced you to sign the now infamous Edict of Ben's Living Room which outlawed all vampires in the Burning Lands.

(Ifar): (runs in fastening pants from off camera) Sorry, we were just talking. What was the question?.

(AC): Hurrmmm... Is it or isn't true that the RAN convinced you to outlaw vampires by promising to pay for your minoxidal baldness treatments.

(Ifar): Ben ...uh I mean Bob, you're a dick. (a collective gasp at the entirely inappropriate use of language by Duke Ifar)

(Ifar): I made the decision completely on my own, well completely on my own after the RAN got me really drunk, besides I AM NOT BALD ... uh... I just like hats.

(AC): of course you do...

(Ifar): No really, I ...

(A loud crash and shouts of protest erupt off camera. The Camera swings around in time to see donAdmiral Eskotty being disarmed of a large bomb with a still smoking fuse)

(AC): We will go to our head of security Duke ZOOOL of Mortalgard for explanation of what just happened.

(Camera switches to Zool)

(Zoool): Eskotty, a known RAN member attempted to throw a bomb at the stage. But fortunately we were tipped off by some tell-tale warning signs

(AC): Such as?

(Zool): Well when he yelled Death to you stinking WAN kissup, Vampire harboring , land loving T.V. idiots, that kind of gave it away.

(AC): Well there you have it, the RAN a group of fanatical if ineffectual madmen with a fetish for all things nautical. Join us next time when we will explore the strange phenomenon of "CK Knightings by UFO's". Good Night!!!!!!!

(closing credits roll)

QUACK!